To Much Drinking

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

1. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
2. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
3. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
5. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
7. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
8. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
9. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
10. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
11. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Mohican State Park is a 1,110-acre Ohio state park in Ashland County, Ohio, United States, about 5 miles south of downtown Loudonville. The state park sits on the south shore of Pleasant Hill Lake and is surrounded by the 4,525-acre Mohican-Memorial State Forest.

Arguing With A Woman

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.  When the baby began crying during   the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.                                                        

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly                                          offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum." 

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Pastor Goes To Dentist For A Set Of False Teeth

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.*
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was
clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.*

*The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would
 receive while in the couple's care.* *"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the  usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."* *Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment* *Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."* *The social workers were finally satisfied.* *They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"*

*"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."*

The Louisville Slugger Museum & Factory, is a museum and factory tour attraction located in Louisville, Kentucky's "Museum Row", part of the West Main District of downtown. The museum showcases the story of Louisville Slugger baseball bats in baseball and in American history.

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for

Only when he's been drinking!'

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his

wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, `And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks,

`WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, `Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? `

(I love this part)

`Only when he's been drinking!' 

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Letter Rip

Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. 'The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said .'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly
gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells. 'Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties..St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize? 'He replied, 'These are Carols.'

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Betrayal

Word For Today:: Definition of betrayal : the act of betraying someone or something or the fact of being betrayed : violation of a person's trust or confidence, of a moral standard, etc. the betrayal of a friend a betrayal of trust a betrayal of one's principles… Even Jesus recognized that there was something paradoxical about his betrayal by Judas Iscariot—in three of the four canonical Gospels, with a kiss.

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Rising park, Mount Pleasant towers nearly 300 feet above the city of Lancaster. The Mount Pleasant overlook gives you outstanding views of the town and the surrounding foothills. This is easily one of the best overlooks in Ohio